Thursday, July 25, 2019

07.19.19 12:50 AM

The doubt sat in my mind months before I came to the conclusion that life didn't consist of the fairytales Disney movies and Nicolas Sparks books convinced us of.

The truth is, I never understood the idea of heartbreak and how it could shape someone to better themselves. After all, wasn't love what shaped the world? This is where I discovered that the world lacked love.

Heartbreak created fear within myself for the months following our split, it created a sense of confusion and feeling lost within myself and  the environment I so relied on. I came to the conclusion that the love we shared was selfish on my end as I was too caught up in the idea of how I wanted to be portrayed or how bad I wanted my plan to go as followed. I lost sight of loving you in the right way, if there even is a right way to love. I planned years ahead rather than focusing on what mattered in the moment, and if there is anything I'd like you to know now, is that you taught me a lot about myself.

You taught me that my love for others is far bigger than that of myself. You taught me that regardless of how scary life gets at times, you have to rely on fear to guide you. You taught me that school itself wasn't what was necessary to make a living, but rather the experience and knowledge you get out of it alone. But most importantly you taught me that no one can give you the reassurance of waking up one day and promising that they won't feel differently. That simply isn't realistic.

Doubt might live to create confusion and loss within ourselves, but often times it creates ideas that become realistic and open our eyes to what matters the most. I thank you for allowing me to take the doubt and be grateful for the memories we shared. Doubt left me feeling butterflies within my stomach knowing that the last four years were some of the most memorable ones. Doubt allowed me to accept that the world really doesn't need any more hate out there, and that regardless of how things ended up, you'll always have a place in my heart as I could never hate someone I once loved so dearly.

I don't expect anyone to understand the thought process that lives within my doubt and acceptance, but through my spiritual whirlwind, I've accepted that life goes on, and that all beautiful things come to an end one day.

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