Friday, November 7, 2014

The Truth

November 7, 2014

I’m currently sitting on the floor thinking and trying to formulate my words on what exactly these last few months have consisted of. To begin with, these last four days have been a combination of ache and pure meditation. Through my grief I have come to conclusions about several aspects of my life. Today I realized that for the last three months of my life, I have been sitting in a depression state. I think its difficult for anyone to understand simply because my life has consisted with so much happiness on the outside. I have become a professional of hiding my emotions with a fake smile and laughter. I guess theres just several characteristics that make me one that doesn’t open up regardless of who I may be talking to. As I continue to grow, I notice different parts of my life that continue to have an impact on how I function in todays society. I would be selfish if I didn’t admit how lucky I am to live the life I do. But sometimes its about stepping back and realizing that materialistic things including friendships and relationships aren’t always the core to happiness. I am someone who puts everyone before me, and although I do love it, it gets to a point where I exhaust my willing. These actions are all on me, because I haven’t learned the power of the word no. I’ve found myself over these months panicking more than usual and reaching one of the lowest phases in my life. I can now sit here and admit that most of the excuses I have given people are pure bullshit. Because of this, it has effected the way I both communicate and act around people I truly care about. I guess I was too blind to see it until it might of been too late. The truth is, I shut people out of my life because I’m afraid of commitment. I’m afraid that someone who I love, deserves someone who doesn’t go mad with what an average person would consider nothing. I used to think I was very mature for my age because I had gone through more than an average eighteen year old, but as I began going through my timeline, yes these things did shape me into who I am today, however these are only a fraction of how it affects me. Looking back I understand why people began distancing themselves away, perhaps it wasn’t because they didn’t care about me, but because I wasn’t letting them in. I have taken my own stresses out on people through anger and unnecessary sarcasm. Before today, I had become someone other than myself. Yes I do like to laugh and make jokes, but I was taking it too far by bringing in my inner problems and throwing them at people. I remember thinking I was worthless, and although I never got to the point where I had a thought of ending my life, I did have lows where I thought, maybe if I just escaped from all of it, life would become easier. It got so bad to the point where I didn’t want to talk to my best friends, my boyfriend, and especially my own family, all people who loved me. I remember locking myself in my room and crying over completely nothing. I remember forcing myself to be happy on our family vacation just so my family could enjoy it, however truly dying inside. To add to it, my dog, who is one of, if not my only prized possession, fell into danger. He was bleeding himself to death. I know people will make jokes and tell me how stupid I am for caring so much about a dog. But perhaps if you have a dog, you understand the loyalty they have towards you. When I was five years old I fell in love with the french bulldog breed, and would ask for one every year. When I was about 13, my dad gave me the news that he was going to do whatever he could to make my wish come true that year. That was until he was laid off. Like I mentioned, I take other’s people’s stresses onto me, and I remember that situation being one of the most stressful things yet. Because it tore my family apart in ways I didn’t think were possible. In 2013 I got a job, making it my goal to do things that I could cross off my bucket list in order to make myself happy! I contacted a breeder hoping I could get a hold of my own puppy. I can’t even begin to describe the day I brought Fitz home. I never thought I could reach a state of such happiness. He changed my life forever simply because regardless of how low I get in life, he stands by my side and never leaves. Around last year, two very important people walked into my life, at such an unexpected time. I had recently gone through a horrible “breakup” with someone I thought really cared about me. I remember being stupid, almost falling for his lies and mental abuse over and over again. During this time I actually loved my job, because it was a distraction from problems that were going on at home, as well as with that boy. On valentine’s day I was dreading leaving my house because that boy tried contacting me in the thought I would fall again. At work a guy had bought every girl working, a bouquet of flowers, and although I didn’t think anything of it, I admired his generosity. As time went on, this guy began showing a side to him that I kinda fell for. Thats where the story really began, because he made me feel like no other person had. Like I mattered and existed. He came into my life when I was crying with lack of affection. A girl who will forever be as important to me, did the same. They both made me smile more than I had in years. I will thank them until the day I die, regardless if they continue to be a part of my life or not, because I like to believe people come into your life at certain times as soul mates. This was that situation. Although it will not be easy to reach happiness on a daily, I am thankful for the people who were patient enough to stand by my side for the length of time they did. I acknowledge the fact that these lows may come back and might never truly go away, but I’m really really lucky that I am still here today. I honestly don’t know where I would of been if these people hadn’t walked into my life the day they did, that is if I would still even be here. 

I don't know how it is you are so familiar to me - or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, ever whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before - in another time, a different place - some other existence - Lang Leav


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