Tuesday, October 1, 2019

You Smile

"I really want to make you the happiest girl in the world because I care about you a lot, it makes me so happy when I see you smile"

October 1, 2019 8:29 PM PST

I would wake up to re read the letters you would write me following the parked car conversations in front of the park, across the street from my house. I used to wake up with the fear of falling in love, as I was scared of getting hurt once again. The truth is life has unexpected turns that often present themselves in ways we don't always prepare for. I had to learn that nothing in life is guaranteed, and that you could wake up one day wondering why the plan you had set in your mind over the years suddenly didn't feel like the right one to follow. How the person you once saw yourself spending the rest of your life with, was now a stranger who you shared a relationship with over text. I wouldn't say I was depressed when you walked into my life, because thats far from the truth. I was happy in my own skin, with flaws that resembled insecurity of whether I had even been good enough to take the next step with someone I once cared deeply about. I knew I deserved better, not because he was an awful person, in fact let me make that clear, he wasn't. I knew I deserved better because no one should ever have to second guess giving you what you hoped you deserved after years of losing sleep and taking missed absences in class to try to make something work. I've learned to hate the excuse of being too busy to see someone who wants to keep a relationship or friendship alive, because sometimes that invite might be an escape from reality that is too deep to climb out of.

 I knew I was confused, but if there was anything I learned in those last 2 months, was that life was unpredictable and that you often felt a certain way for a reason. Nipsey's death humbled me not because he was an artist who inspired millions through his words, but he shared a love with someone in one of the most honest ways one could possibly do so. You waited for me to open the door to my heart, knowing I was learning things about myself whilst still giving everyone around me a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to. You were one of the few people to give that in return, and for that I'll always be thankful. I learned that the hate that lived in my heart was a reflection of the pain I had held in me, and that things didn't have to end with me carrying it around, even if thats what I felt was necessary at the time. You motivated me to live a happier life filled with fewer expectations of a timeline that was unrealistic.

As I sit here almost halfway through my 20's I've learned that people will make time for those they care about, and that fear guides you where you need it to, that is to test your limits and make you a stronger individual. Life proved me that most of the things I once told myself I would never be able to accomplish were possible if I wanted them. Although you might be reading this thinking I'm here to thank you for the food, the flowers, the gifts, please take it into consideration that you sitting in my car listening to the lyrics of good guy and ivy without feeling the need to lean over and kiss me or touch me was what did it. You had no doubt in your heart to give me the time I needed to heal and reassure me of what you wanted to leave behind in life.

After you leaned in for a kiss and quickly apologized, I decided my fears were stopping me from learning more about the world, because your innocence behind each move was pure. You allowed me to learn that the unpredictable was sometimes the change life put in place, to make you realize life is too short to map out your life on a timeline labeled "life".

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